Another late-night blog post

Sleeping has become a difficult task since completing high school. It happened to be so sudden that I was pushed into the world of adulthood, responsibilities, and lots and lots of pressure.

I desperately want a full-time job, and I'm applying to as many places as I can. Yet, I don't feel confident in getting a job because I've only worked one job throughout high school. When I moved for school, I chose not to work my first year of university, just so I could understand how much work and time-management it required.

I'm sure I could get a job easily at where I used to work, but I'm trying to improve myself... so I will never again work at McDonald's. It wasn't a terrible first job.. it just happened to have terrible people working there. Other than that, I'd like to work in a more professional environment.

One of my biggest struggles is trying to not be a jealous person. I see the success of my friends with their full-time jobs, and others with the amount of dedication their putting into their education. Even the people on Facebook whom went to the same high school as me and I don't talk with make me feel envious of how successful they seem.

I have to continuously remind myself that most people seem to have great lives on Facebook, because we only see what others put out. So most people come off as having this great, healthy life because that is the persona others commonly present to the public. I remind myself of that when I become jealous, and then I remind myself that there will always be people more successful, happy, and in control of their lives than I am. It's easier to accept the former, because when I think of the latter, I feel like there's something wrong with me.

I mean, clearly there are a few things wrong with me. I don't allow that to be an excuse to hold me back, however. I am (almost) trying my best to create the life I want for myself.

Maybe this is what a lot of people experience as growing up. Though I'd probably feel a lot better if I knew my former classmates are struggling too.

I have to get away from that idea, and only concern myself with my own business rather than comparing myself to other people.

The Back-Story

I moved away for my first year of university. I thought I would like being away from home, and living in a small, quiet city rather than a large, busy one. To summarize, I became home-sick and my well being was suffering while being trapped on campus with no real friends (only my lovely boyfriend, and a few of his friends), and living in an obnoxious all-girls residence house.

After my life started to fall apart and I was slowly slipping into bad habits, it was evident to my mother that I needed medical attention and I needed to come home. I was relieved honestly. I felt like my mother had rescued me. Although, I was also upset, not wanting to leave. I had to leave without my boyfriend who doubles as a best friend behind, unsure of when we would see each other again.
I knew he planned of dropping out because he desperately wants to switch majors. Before I left, he told me that he decided to drop out, and would move to Halifax so that he could live with me.

I went from a big city to a small city, and he grew up in a rural area (farmland) and is now in the city with me. It's so much fun having him here and it's cute to me because there's certain things I have to teach him about living safely in a big city that are instinct for most. He seems to enjoy living here though, and with me fortunately. I am doing all I can to make sure he doesn't feel as trapped as I once did.

We're living with my parents right now (cool mom for a 19 year old, right?) and are on an exhausting search for full-time jobs at the moment. I will be taking a gap year to figure some things out and also to start writing more seriously. I'm unsure whether I want to spend thousands of dollars on schooling when it's not absolutely necessary. My plan is to see where my writing takes me until it's time to make that particular decision.

Eventually (before or during the summer I hope) we'll get our own tiny apartment in the city and together we'll learn how to become full-time adults!

For some, this may just be called life; but for me, it seems like a wondrous journey that I am taking with someone whom is most special to me. Not only is this journey for combining our lives together and creating a life that is made mainly of our own choices, but it is also an opportunity to put the broken pieces of myself and my life back together.

Baby's first blog post

Most of my life I haven't been fond of receiving a lot of attention. It's not a desire of mine to expose myself to other people.. especially strangers. But about two years ago, once I had finally read a book that greatly moved me (1984 by George Orwell), I began to read more, and now it has become a love of mine. And then shortly after reading many books and writing essays for school, I became passionate about writing. I love the feeling of being brought to a new world through writing, and I love having the ability to attempt that feeling through my own writing. I'm not yet where I want to be with my writing, but I like to write knowing that I created something that cannot be replicated by anyone else, and that it has been put into our world.

Being a non-reader as a child and not particularly exploring creativity through writing, makes it difficult for me to create a routine, a process, and to find a voice within my own writing. Being fairly new to all of this, I find it difficult to focus on one, particular idea. Which makes completing a single piece of writing challenging. Although, I am a hard worker, and can certainly improve with practice.

Anyways, something switched in my mind tonight. I asked myself  "How are you going to be a writer if you are so quiet, and don't speak or reach out?" Then came the realization that if I don't try to change the ways of thinking that limit me from the person I want to become, that person will be non-existent.

So here I am. It's about two in the morning and I'm taking a step in my life to find a voice and for once, I would like to share it with strangers whom will willingly listen.

I'm in the midst of a confusing transition right now, from teenager to young adult. There are many other things I need to change. Hopefully this blog of mine will create a writing routine, inspire me, and my biggest hope is that it will make me fonder of who I am.

This will not be easy, so for now I decided to keep this blog a secret from my family and friends. (Okay, so my love knows.. but that's it!)
I'm attempting to reclaim the sense of free speech I felt as a young, careless teenager.
Baby steps, right?